Learn To Love 101 - 9 Keys to a Successful Marriage

Relationships are the essence of life. Whole people are connected to whole relationships. Marriages today are failing at an alarming rate. However, you do not have to be a statistic. You can have a successful marriage. You must learn how to resolve conflict and how to have a great sex life. God has a plan for you and your family and it starts with your marriage being what He intended it to be. Whether you are a newlywed or you have been married for several years, if you want to have the fulfillment of a successful marriage then this is for you. Here are 9 keys to help you have a successful marriage.

Marriage is not simply a legal institution. Marriage is God’s idea which makes it spiritual in its origin. Without God at the center of your marriage, it is destined to fail. The first key to having a successful marriage is the spiritual connection between a husband and wife, and their connection with God as a couple and as individuals. With so many things designed to destroy our families, it is safe to say that the enemy is not firing water pistols at us, but rather he is shooting fiery arrows aimed to kill. Paul makes it clear that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood. As a married couple you MUST believe in spiritual warfare. Not only must you believe in it but you must be equipped to be engaged in it. The enemy taking aim at your marriage is not contingent upon whether you believe or whether you are prepared. You must establish God has the head of your marriage. His word has to be your roadmap to successful relationships. Too often couples treat God as a guest rather than a resident. They allow him to give his input only when it does not cause them to change how they have decided they want their marriage to be. But just as God has a plan for your life, He has a plan for your marriage. You must be submitted to God. Being submitted to God does several things. First it creates intimacy with God. God said He would give you the desires of your heart if you delight yourself in Him. But the only way to delight in the Lord is thru intimacy. Being submitted to God puts you in the place where blessings flow. Being submitted to God also leads you be the spouse God intends you to be. A wife cannot be subjected to her husband the way the church is to Christ nor can a husband love his wife the way Christ loves the church if they do not submit to His will and leadership. Once you have submitted to God’s plan for marriage, then you are ready to build a successful marriage.

LOVE is probably one of the most misused words in our society today. So many people long for it, yet so few people get to experience it. While it may seem obvious that love is necessary to make a marriage successful, a lot of marriages are void of love. If you want to have a successful marriage then you need to understand what love is. The best way to understand what love is is by understanding what love is not. Love is not about how you feel about your spouse. It’s not about great sex, butterflies in your stomach or thinking about your spouse all day. If you are loving and being loved right then all of these things should be a part of your love experience but love is much more than those things. Love is an action, born in the Will, connected to how you feel but not controlled by how you feel. Love isn’t love until you make a conscious choice to give it to someone. Love is not about how you feel but rather what you do. This is the test of real love. When you love someone in action, you do so because you love them, not because you feel like it. This is why it is so crucial for both spouses to be committed to loving the other spouse, otherwise one of you will get burned out and stop. No one but God can continue to give and not get, and even He has a limit. Make loving your spouse a priority. Meeting their needs should be at the top of your to do list. You have to become student of your spouse, constantly learning who they are and what they need. It’s not enough that you have been married 10-15 years and so you think you have figured them out. Our needs change throughout life. Their needs may have changed since you first got married. It is your job and duty to communicate love to your spouse. Tell each “I love you” every single day! Faith comes by hearing.

Communication is one of the most important keys in any relationship. Only God can read our thoughts and intentions. Everyone else is subject to sending and receiving messages in ways that are not always clear. The most important thing about communication is first understanding that your spouse is not you. I know that may seem obvious but we often misunderstand each other because we subconsciously decode our spouse’s message based on who we are as opposed to who they are. We all do it. It is almost impossible to see the world any other way than the way we see it shaped by our personality and experiences. But to be an effective communicator you have to work at trying to understand your spouse based on who they are. If you do not understand something do not be afraid to ask! I once dated a young lady who thought that I should just know what was wrong with her when something was wrong with her as opposed to her telling me. Your spouse cannot read your mind. It’s ok to drop hints depending on the seriousness of the message you are trying to send. But be clear as much as possible. Effective communication is not just about talking but it is also about listening and paying attention. Women want a man that will listen to them even when they are not really saying anything. Women will say one thing but really mean something totally different. Pay attention to your spouse and learn when no means no and when no means yes. Effective listening is not easy…it is an acquired skill.

Try this communication exercise:
Set aside a time when you and your spouse can be alone to talk. One of you will be the designated talker and the other the designated listener. The talker should talk for about a minute or so and then stop. The listener should listen until the talker finishes and then repeat what you think they just heard but in their own words. The talker then corrects the parts they missed. Switch roles and do it again. Make sure these are real conversation about things of substance, but not anything too serious. Talk about something that has been on your mind. The goal is to become better communicators so you can understand each other.

Being an effective communicator does not mean you will decode every message correctly. But that should definitely be your goal. Remember, your spouse is a special person just like you and they want to be understood just as much as you do. Sharing is one of the most intimate things you can do. Your spouse should know your heart’s desire. They should also know how to make you smile, how to motivate you, how you like your coffee, your favorite sexual positions, etc. All of this comes by way of communication.

It’s almost cliché-ish to say “let’s be friends first.” As over used as that phrase is, FRIENDSHIP is still the foundation for quality relationships and marriage is no different. No one should be closer to you than your spouse. Your spouse does not have to be your only friend but definitely number one. Being lovers is not enough. Part of the problem with relationships, particularly marriages, is that we don’t know what true friendship is. Life has many trials, obstacles and challenges that drain us and weigh us down. Friendship allows us to be built up again and empowers us to face the challenges of everyday life. Your spouse, your friend, should be your refuge. All day long it’s you against the world. All day long you have to live life according to the structure already established regardless of how you feel about it, or face the consequences. But when you get with your best friend, you can be you…the real you. Your spouse should be your comfort zone where you can relax and just be real. Friendship combines trust, loyalty, communication, support, and intimacy. The bible says that you if want to have friends you must first show yourself friendly. A friend is someone you can depend on when you can’t depend on anyone else. Friendship is not only about receiving but also giving. It’s about meeting the needs of the other person. In marriage there is no room for selfishness. Friends have fun, friends confide in each other and friends go out of their way to do things for their friend. When you are friends it affects all areas of your marriage and helps to keep it flowing smoothly, even when things go wrong as they sometimes will. Your job is to be your spouse’s friend. Do a self check and figure out if you have been the best friend you can be to your spouse. Your spouse should not feel more comfortable sharing thoughts and secrets with anyone else more than they do you. Friendship helps strengthen your unity. Unity is powerful and can accomplish what division cannot. When the bible talks about two becoming one, it is talking about one in purpose. Your first purpose is to love God. Your second is to love each other. Friendship is the lubricant that will keep your marriage running properly without getting rusty. If you need to make your marriage friendship stronger then by all means get to it!

Any relationship that does not have TRUST will not last. Distrust can be the cause of much heart ache and emotional distress. But trust is not just about you trusting your spouse. It is also about being trustworthy. You should do all within your power to make sure your spouse does not have a legitimate reason to not trust you. Marriage is more than just a relationship, it is a covenant. When you don’t have confidence in your spouse because of distrust you open the door to all kinds of calamity and mayhem. Most problems in relationships are connected at a certain level. Distrust can start off small and lead to much bigger issues. Here are some obvious things about trust you should take heed to:

Do not do anything that seems suspicious to your spouse concerning the opposite sex. Every relationship is different so you do what works for you and yours. For example, if you know your spouse has a problem with you going to lunch with your opposite sex co-workers then you should not do that.
Do not have extramarital affairs. This includes more than just sex. Cheating is “anything that you would not do if your spouse was standing right there.” That could be flirting, touching, emails, phone calls, jokes, etc.
Do not lie of be dishonest. You can be dishonest without lying by withholding information you know your spouse would want to know, or should know. When you mess up, if you tell the truth then the problem becomes a part of your past. But if you lie then the problem becomes a part of your future.
Be careful who you share the details of your marriage with. You can’t tell your outside friends everything that goes on in your marriage. Neither can you involve your family when the two of you have an issue. This is one of the biggest mistakes that a lot of couples make. You have to realize that once you share intimate details about your marriage with your family you have given them authority that they should not have. You are creating a monster! Do not involve your family in your marriage, particularly when you have disagreements. When you do that you may cause your spouse not to trust you for fear that you will “run and tell mama.”

Trust is one of the most difficult things to get back once it is lost in a relationship. Often times the task is so great that people give up trying to regain the trust. Trust can be rebuilt but it takes time. If you are the one who is having trouble trusting your spouse, make sure you are being fair. If they are genuinely trying to regain your trust, do not make it more difficult for them than it has to be.

The sixth key to a successful marriage is the art of COMPROMISE. If your marriage is going to survive, you will have to learn how to compromise. Compromising does not make you weak, it makes you wise. There are some battles that simply are not worth fighting. There are some beliefs that are simply not worth holding on to or fighting against. In learning your spouse you should learn when to stand firm and when to back down. Marriage is give and take. If you haven’t noticed by now, all of these keys of success work in concert with each other. Your relationship with God, your communication, friendship, love, trust and compromise are all intertwine. If you have been the spouse that believes “it’s my way or no way” then you need to change the way you think. The only absolute authority in marriage is God. Everyone else must submit to each other. Compromise strengthens your friendship because it can create more opportunities for learning and sharing. Never forget that the two of you are two unique individuals. Even if you have a lot in common, there are still differences about you that make you who you are. You and your spouse should embrace those differences but neither of you should use them as excuse to have your way.

There is no way to be in relationship with anyone and not have conflict. Marriage is no different. In fact, I would venture to say that in marriage you are going to have more conflict than in any other relationship. That is why CONFLICT RESOLUTION is crucial to the survival of your marriage. You must know how to resolve conflict effectively. Unresolved conflict opens the door to bitterness and resentment. These are like termites…they eat away at your marriage, and by the time you discover the problem severe damage is already done. Conflict is inevitable. But conflict is the fertilizer that makes your marriage grow. It may not be the most pleasant aroma, but it will make your relationship more beautiful once it is resolved. When there is conflict, you must understand that what actually happened takes a back seat to what the two of you THINKS happened. When the problem is brought to the table, do not discredit your spouse’s feelings. Even if they are wrong about what they think you did, their feelings are real and should not be taken lightly. Acknowledging the validity of their feelings opens the door for effective communication and resolution can begin. For conflict resolution to be effective it has to include forgiveness. Without forgiveness no conflict will ever be resolved and growth cannot take place. The only healing response to offense is forgiveness. Forgiveness is not simply accepting your spouse’s apology but it is the act of changing your attitude about the offense. Forgiveness has to be interwoven into the fabric of your marriage or else the marriage will not stand. It takes energy and emotions to hold on to pain and anger as opposed to just letting it go. You cannot fully love without forgiving because love needs to have free access to all of your emotions. When you don’t forgive you have emotions that are reserved for the anger you are holding in. To forgive does not mean to forget. Depending on the level of the offense it may take a while to forget, or you may never forget. But you should not bring it up at every opportunity. Not only should you be a forgiver but you should be one who asks for forgiveness. Sometimes we are unaware when we hurt our spouse, but when we ARE aware of it we should immediately ask for forgiveness. It may take as much will power to ask for forgiveness as it does to forgive, but you have to do it. No one can gauge the level of the offense except the one who has been offended. While it may seem petty to you doesn’t mean that your spouse should “just get over it.” If you want to know more about conflict resolution, check out “Conflict Resolution 101” on the web site.

Now these last two keys should be the easiest to do. The first is SEX. Good sex is a big part of a successful marriage. We are sexual creatures by nature. However, if not done properly, sex can become a chore rather than a joy, and who needs an extra chore? Sex and intimacy go together. You may not be having sex every time you are intimate. But every time you do have sex it should be intimate. What is intimacy? Intimacy is the closest connection between two individuals. We were designed for intimacy. Intimacy goes beyond the physical and I would dare say it is spiritual. Sometimes it is good to be intimate without sex. However, when you do have sex you should feel that same connection. When you are having sex with your spouse you should be concerned about their pleasure and they should be concerned about yours. As a loving partner, your concern should be the fulfillment of your spouse. I believe this responsibility falls more on the man than the woman because it is typically easier for a man to have an orgasm than a woman. But that does not mean the woman has no responsibility to satisfy her man. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to please your spouse. If there is something you are uncomfortable trying then express that to your spouse and the two of you compromise and work it out. Do not let your sex life get stale. Express to your partner what you like. If telling them isn’t enough then SHOW them. Although I’m not trying to scare you into an open mind, it’s just a reality that whatever you won’t do, another man/woman will. When your spouse is at work and they think about last night they should be calling you at lunch to see if you can meet. No matter if you have been married for 2 weeks or 15 years, make good sex your business. Learn what it takes to get your spouse “there.” Really good love making takes several hours, sometimes days. You start with flirting and teasing…sexual comments throughout the day. By the time your bodies touch you will be ready to explode. Men, if you know your spouse can have multiple orgasms you should be committed to learning how to make her have as many as she can take. Ladies, don’t be afraid to try new things. Lastly, try your hardest to have sex after immediately EVERY conflict. It will strengthen your love.

The last key that I want to share to have a successful marriage is to have FUN! Although marriage is serious business, it should also be fun. You cannot let the cares of life choke you to the point where your marriage is all about paying bills or raising the children. That is one of the easiest ways to make your marriage vulnerable to an affair. We are all just grown kids. Everyone has a sense of humor. You don’t have to wait until its vacation time to laugh with your spouse. Try to find something to laugh about every day. Having fun makes the bond of friendship stronger which causes a domino effect in your marriage and makes everything better. There is a time and place for everything. But whatever you do, don’t let life rob you of fun. If your life is so busy that you have to schedule a time for you and your spouse to get away and have fun then do that. Go on a date. It can be a movie, dinner, go-cart riding, whatever…just have fun! For my birthday this year I went to Vegas for the first time. I went on one of the time share tours that they have and of one the definite conclusions I came to was that people MUST vacation. Getting away on a real vacation for a change was a life altering experience. I can only imagine how great it would have been to have shared that with a spouse. Try to take at least 2 real vacations a year…one with the kids and one with just you and your spouse. Leave the city. Go see something new. Create some new memories. HAVE FUN!!!

I am sure that there are more keys to a successful marriage than what I have listed here. But these are the ones I chose and I hope they help you have the marriage you desire. Marriage is not for the weak. Marriage is a wonderful thing but it takes a lot of work. Keep your focus and move towards that fairy tale marriage that they said you could never have.

Be encouraged