Choosing a mate is a spiritual decision...
You need to have a relationship with God before you try to have one with anyone else...
One of the greatest benefits of an effective prayer life is the ability to recognize God's man or woman...
Unforgiveness leads to bitterness...
Don't let fear paralyze you...
In this day and age it is becoming increasingly more difficult to find a suitable mate. Often times people end up repeating the same bad habits over and over, yet they are baffled by the common results they get. One of the main reasons for this "merry-go-round" type of behavior is that people are not as ready to be in a committed relationship as they think that they are. There are some things that need to be worked out before you get into a relationship. Hopefully this writing is going to help you better understand the necessary steps to take before you choose a mate.
The thing that you must understand from the beginning is that choosing a mate is a spiritual decision. It’s not something you should just wake up in the morning and do on a whim. Relationships are the essence of life. They affect everything we do. God has a plan for your life. Choosing the wrong mate can take you off the track that God has ordained for your life. Choosing the right mate can usher you into God’s perfect will. It’s obvious why choosing a mate is a spiritual decision. When I say “spiritual” decision I mean you need to consult God. Often times He is left out of the selection process until after the choice is made. By the time God is brought in as a consultant it’s usually to approve something we did without His direction, yet we expect His full blessing. God does not work like that..
Since choosing a mate is a spiritual decision, you obviously need a spiritual connection. Basically, you need to have a “working” relationship with God prior to asking His help in the decision making process. When you ask for God’s help in choosing a mate He’s going to ask, “Have you done your chores?” When my children ask me if they can go swimming my first response is always, “Have you cleaned the kitchen? Did you clean your room?” Unlike me, who could careless whether my kids go swimming or not, God is very much concerned with your desire to have a mate. However, blessing you with a mate is not at the top of His priority list. Your relationship with Him and the advancement of His kingdom is first on His list. Before God can help you choose the right mate you need to “clean the kitchen.” The following is a list of things that need to be in order before you choose a mate.
A part of "cleaning the kitchen" is first the issue of salvation and sanctification. A lot of people who claim to have a relationship with Christ are just "confessional" Christians, but they are functionally unsaved. When you give your life to God there should be some outward signs of the inward change. You may not be sinless but you should sin less. You should have a desire to be closer to God. Only intimacy with God can produce true fulfillment in any relationship. Intimacy with God is only attained by spending time with Him through His word and in prayer. If the bible for you is just another "good book" that you take to church on Sundays, or you pick up when things go wrong then I can assure you, you are not ready for the heavy lifting of being in a relationship. God's word must be the center of your life. So the first thing you need is a right relationship and a good study life.
Right along with the word of God is a prayer life. Prayer is the other key to intimacy with God. When you are intimate with God then you will know His voice. Jesus, being the perfect model, ALWAYS prayed. He prayed so much that his disciples asked, “Lord, teach us to pray.” Prayer is communication with God. It is not meant to be one sided. It is not just for you to tell God all your problems. He will speak to you. One of the greatest benefits of an effective prayer life is the ability to recognize God’s man or woman…a potential mate. No one knows you better than God. He knows the plans He has for you and He knows your wants and needs. Having a direct line of communication with Him will better ensure you that the choice you make fits with who you are. Talking to God throughout the day is fine. But I encourage you to set aside a specific time in the day where it’s just you and Him with no distractions. Just as your mate would want quality time with you, so does God. If you don't have an effective prayer life, start off by spending 30 minutes praying then 30 minutes in His word. Learning to be intimate with God will help you with intimacy in your relationship.
In dealing with people and listening to their relationship issues I find that a lot of people have a problem with forgiveness. Each time someone hurts us we tend to harbor hurt. The cycle begins in childhood with our parents and continues to escalate as we encounter friends, co-workers, and romantic partners who hurt us. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness. Once bitterness sets in it will take a major overhaul to undo the damage. If not dealt with, bitterness will rob you of the future you once longed for. It becomes a part of who you are and it spills over into every area of your life. Forgiveness is the key to emotional wholeness. I’ve heard people say, “I don’t want to forgive them because then I’ll be letting them off the hook.” The thing they don’t realize is that they themselves are on the hook, not the other person. Usually when people hurt you, knowingly or not, they tend to keep right on moving while you lay there wounded. Now you are an emotional wreck because every time you think about what they did you get angry. They are living their lives but you are trapped by the pain…release it. Forgive them. Forgiveness does not say, “It’s ok that you hurt me.” It says, “You hurt me, but I’m moving on anyway.” When you are hurt, forgiveness will help you turn that wound from a scab into a scar…a reminder that you were hurt once but the pain is no longer there. Forgiveness is not about how you "feel." We know this because God commands us to forgive. If it were about feelings then God would not command it because we have no control over feelings. Before you can choose the right mate you have to forgive those who have done you wrong, including your parents and siblings. Forgiveness does not always mean relational restoration. Sometimes relationships are destroyed beyond repair…but forgiveness still can and needs to take place. Just because you have learned to deal with that person and wear a fake smile does not mean you have forgiven them. Practice forgiveness. Besides, Jesus said if you don’t forgive then God won’t forgive you, neither will he hear your prayer. (For more about Forgiveness click here.)
You may not be harboring any negative feelings towards anyone but you may still be hurt by something in your past. Everyone goes into a new relationship with baggage. The goal, however, is to reduce your 12 piece luggage set down to a hand bag. Holding on to pain is toxic…it will make you emotionally unstable and could even cause physical health problems. The thing that pain does automatically is create in us fear. Fear can be a good thing…it can save your life. But the fear that comes after pain is not the good kind of fear, it’s a paralyzing fear. One thing I have learned is that you cannot live your life in fear because if you do life will pass you by. “Paralyzing fear” as a result of someone hurting you can cause you to miss out on the love you always longed for. Fear will keep you from trusting. Fear will keep you from letting someone inside even when you want them inside. You cannot blame all men (or women) for what your last mate did. That’s why it is crucial not to run from relationship to relationship, particularly if there was hurt in the previous relationship. You need time to heal. Jesus is the mender of broken hearts. He can take the pain away and help you move forward. It’s a process, not a quick fix. Take the time to get well before choosing a mate.
As it relates to pain and forgiveness, ask yourself these probing questions to help you identify areas you may need to work on:
- Are there past boyfriends or girlfriends whose names you can barely speak without a bad feeling?
- Are there any childhood memories that hurt you to recall?
- Are their certain songs you can’t listen to because they remind you of a painful experience?
- Do you see negative characteristics in you that you exude on your children because of how you were raised?
Finally, one of the most important concepts you must grab if you are to be successful at love is the concept of selflessness. True love is not about you! There is no way you can love someone completely when you are selfish. Being self centered will close every door that leads to true love. Until you understand that when you are in a "true love relationship" its not about you but rather your mate, you will never walk in the fullness of what true love offers. We are self centered by nature. All creatures have an instinct for self preservation. As parents we have to teach our children how not to be selfish. The same is true for relationships. You have to be taught how to give real love. However, if the things previously discussed are not dealt with then it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to know true love. Love is not a feeling, it is an action in the form of giving. It's not what you say, it is what you do. There is no greater example of love than God himself (obviously). It says that God so loved the world that he gave...he did something. He did something that was not for His benefit but for the ones He loved. You have to learn how to give your mate what they need as opposed to what you think they ought to have. If you know you are all about you and can't see putting your mate's needs before your own then you should seriously reconsider trying to choose a mate. You will be setting yourself up for failure.
Relationships are a lot of work. I am convinced it does not have to be hard work. It is my desire to help all understand how to have quality relationships that last. The preparation BEFORE choosing a mate is as important as making the choice itself. If you invest the time to make it right in the beginning then you will spend less time trying to fix it and more time enjoying it. Remember what you have read. Become a functional Christian, get an effective prayer life, practice forgiveness, get over past hurts, and make sure your self esteem is in check. If you do these then you will be on the right path to becoming a “right mate” chooser. Check back soon for “Before You Say ‘I do’.”
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