Learn To Love 101 - Embrace the Desire

Love is a wonderful thing!

Relationships are the essence of life. A relationship is simply a conduit by which love enters our lives. We are designed for love and community. From the very beginning God declared that it was not good that man be alone. The desire for intimate connection with another human is interwoven into our “DNA.” At some point, that desire for intimate connection leads us to desire “romantic relationships.” (I use ‘romantic relationships’ as a classification to distinguish them from parental and platonic relationships). Although most would agree that the desire for love is innate and that love itself is a “good thing,” there is a stigma connected to that innate desire. We live in a “bi-polar” society. What I mean by “bi-polar” is that we are usually influenced by one of two extremes: People applaud and celebrate those who happen to find a mate or declare their love for another but, on the other hand, those who desire love and have yet to find it are talked about and frowned on. There are 2 groups of people. One group wants to know, “why are you still single?” The other group wants to know, “why are you looking?”

The “why are you single” people tend to look at you as if something is wrong with you OR as if being single is a bad thing. If the goal is relational success then shouldn’t one take his or her time in choosing the right mate? People mistakenly tie their worth and identity to relationships or the lack thereof. But being single is a blessing. There are HUNDREDS of reasons that good people stay single for so long…the main reason being that they ARE good people. And with the divorce rate over 50%, no one should be in a hurry to jump into a relationship simply to ease the pain of loneliness. I do understand that it can be very painful and frustrating. However, it is better to be out of a relationship you want to be in than to be in one that you can’t get out of.

I understand the “why are you single” group. However, the “Why are you looking” group is a different story. If love is a good thing, and if love is innate, then why do people look down on you if you desire it? Whether you say you are looking for a mate, hoping for a mate, want a mate or desire a mate, you are looked upon as desperate. I find that very interesting. Perhaps that would be a valid point if having a mate consumes you and interrupts your everyday life. But the problem is that a lot of people are very quick to assume that it IS your life goal when in reality it’s just something else on the ‘to do list.’ This negative response or labeling makes you not want to even disclose the fact that you’d like a mate. To them, “I’d like to be in a relationship” sounds like “I can’t wait until I find me someone so I don’t have to be single anymore because I need love and I can only find it in a relationship.” Really?

But wait, there’s more! Along with labeling you ‘desperate,’ there is an overflow of advice on how to get a mate. Some say “oh don’t look for it just let it happen.” You have the religious crowd who says, “Just trust God to send your mate and it will happen when you least expect it.” Personally, I like “He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor with the Lord.” The reality is that there is no one method to finding and meeting the right person. People are shaped by their experiences and so usually they will tell you how they believe it will happen as if their way is sacredly ordained. The whole point of this article is to help others who may be feeling like something is “wrong” with desiring a mate. I'm sure that I am not the only one who has felt this way. When I realized that my experience was not unique I knew I had to write on it. I want to make it clear that Love is something to be desired. Marriage is something good to hope for because marriage is God’s idea. There is nothing wrong with you for desiring intimate connection with another human at a level above all others. As long as the desire does not consume you, you are good. You have to understand that just because you have the desire does not mean you are ready. But also understand that God put the desire in you. Don’t let people make you feel bad for having the desire. I am a firm believer that in due season you will reap if you do not give up.

Be encouraged.