I am often asked "what is a good man?" There is no universal definition of what is good. What may be good for one woman may not good for another. The problem is that when you make bad choices and they do not work for you, you end up blaming love for something it is not responsible for. That is like speeding in the rain then slamming on your brakes and being mad at your car because it did not stop in time. Now you're all broke up and don't want to ever drive a car again because they are dangerous. No, YOU put yourself in danger because of the bad choice you made. My goal is to help you make better choices so that you can experience the love your heart longs for. Choosing a mate is the second most important decision you will make in your life because will affect EVERYTHING in your life.
The adjective "good", as it relates to a type or definition of a man, is subjective. That means that different people define what a good man is in different ways. One person may think a good man is one who goes to church with them, while another may think a good man is someone who only curses them out if he's REALLY mad. Our definition of a "good" man or woman is shaped by our experiences. However, the definition of a "real" man is a bit more objective than subjective. While opinion does still play a part in the definition of 'real', it is more closely universal than "good." In other words, the definition of a 'real' man is less varied than the definition of a 'good' man.
One dictionary defines "real" as: No less than what is stated; worthy of the name; being or reflecting the essential or genuine character of something.
Webster defines "real" this way: not artificial, fradulent or illusory; genuine; being precisely what the name implies.
So instead of talking about a "good man," I am going to share with you some key characteristics that are possessed by a "real man." However, before I talk about what a real man is, let me talk about what a real man is not. Being born with a penis and living past 18 years does not make you a real man. Having the ability to produce children, or engage in the activity that produces children does not make you a real man. Having multiple sex partners does not make you a real man. Being wanted by a lot of women does not make you a real man. Having a 'large' bank account does not make you a real man (I know that one hurt huh?). Being "hard" and tough does not make you a real man.
Again, please understand that there may not be a universal 'list' of what a real man consists of. However I am conviced that the characteristics below are widely accepted as 'real' characteristics. (Feel free to let me know if you disagree).
A real man is:
- A man who understands who he is in God and understands the importance of allowing God to be the head of his life. You can say what you want, but as you get older you begin to understand the importance of having a man who is submitted to God because only then will he truly know how to love you the way you were designed to be loved.
- A man who takes care of his responsibilities. This inlcudes but is not limited to his family, his community and job.
- A man who understands the value of a woman and is committed to taking the time to learn how to love her. All women are not the same. What worked for the last woman may not work for this one. Real men are students of their woman.
- A man who is secure with himself but not arrogant. Insecurities open a can of worms not worth the energy it takes to deal with. Men who are insecure tend to be controlling and jealous. They are always suspicious of what their woman is doing, who she's talking to and where she is at all times. Real men don't use 'scare tactics' to try and control a woman because they are insecure about who they are.
- A man who understands the importance of family, whether he has a wife and children or not. The family is the foundation of life. Your family life will greatly determine your direction in life. Men are a major part of that direction. The majority of the problems we face in our world today can be traced back to family. You all know my philosophy...LOVE is the key. Without love the world dies. Love is not what you feel, it is what you do.
- A man who is strong in mind and spirit but also understands that showing emotions does not make him weak. I often hear women talk about how their man will not open up to them or show emotions. She's always trying to figure out how he feels. Real men do not have a problem expressing their feelings because they understand that doing so does not make them weak. However, I am NOT promoting 'punkism.' What I mean by that is, don't be so sensitive that your woman feels like she can't lean on you. Be sensitive in your interactions with her, but when you are dealing with the outside world you can't be weak! I probably need a whole different message just on how to be strong and sensitive.
- A man who doesn't take flight in adversity but rather he will stand and fight even when he is afraid.
- A man who is a giver. He wants to impact the world around him because he understands the importance of strong male leadership.
- A man who is open to growing spiritually, mentally and emotionally.
- A man who doesn't just pay child support, but he is actively engaged in the upbringing of his children. Nothing upsets me more than bad parenting, whether it is mother OR father. Men do not seem to understand the devastating impact of 'absentee fatherism.' There are too many single mothers who have to do ALL of the heavy lifting when it comes to raising their children. The ones who pay the price for this 'evil' are the children. If man can't do all of these, at least do the first one and this last one.
(STRICTLY FOR THE LADIES)
Ladies, please stop allowing these 'wannabe' men into the secret places of your life and heart. Too many of you are asking me DAILY about how to deal with situations that you should not be dealing with. We all make mistakes and bad choices. But at some point you have to mature and become wiser. You can't keep making the same bad choices when it comes to men. Don't be in such a rush to make him "the one." If he is the one then time will likely reveal that. You can't do much about someone who flat out deceives you. But most of the times, you see the red flags in the beginning. As difficult as it may be, you sometimes have to make decisions with your head, and not your heart. What I mean by that is make decisions based on the actual evidence, not based on how you feel. But at the same time MAKE SURE you have enough evidence to make a good decision. Gathering information (evidence) takes time. I'm not unaware that my admonishment to 'think more than you feel' may be contrary to the basic make-up of a woman. But some things just shouldn't get pass you. Know what YOU want and need and stop settling for less than what you said you would! If you are in a relationship that you know is not good for you, get the courage to walk away (if you are not married). Don't forget, its better to be out of a relationship that you want to be in than to be in one you can't get out of. Please share this with anyone you think may need it.
Be encouraged.
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