Learn To Love 101

Relationships are the essence of life. From our parents to our significant others, we are shaped by the relationships we have throughout life. People who are whole emotionally are typically connected to whole relationships while broken people are connected to broken or no relationships. Most people do not know the value of relationships so they don’t take the time to nourish them into productive love producing machines. The reason love is so important to us is because of relationships. Without relationships, Love would have no where to grow. From the time we are children we are being taught how to relate to one another, whether good or bad. Eventually we get to the point where we want a significant other so we began to have romantic relationships. Romantic relationships today are in grave danger. The divorce rate in America is over 50%.  This is detrimental to our families and our future. One of the main reasons for the high divorce rate is that people do not know how to make sound choices. If you have a history of choosing the wrong mate then this article is for you.

Before I share with you how to choose a mate, I want to address a common misconception. There is not one person in the world who God has specially made just for you. This what most people mean when they say “soul mate.” But if you are waiting for God to choose the person you are going to love then you are waiting in vain. God has given us free will and intellect. That, mixed with our emotions and life experiences, which help shape our personalities, gives us the necessary tools to be able to choose a mate that is suitable for us. However, having the tools but not knowing how to use them will only perpetuate your bad choices. That’s where the Holy Spirit comes in. He is the one who guides you to use the tools you have to make a good choice.

I want to be clear in saying that I am not about to give you biblical prindiples on how to choose a mate. The bible does not speak to how to choose a mate because as Christians we are to simply love one another. Any two believers can getmarried and make it work if they truly submit themselves to God and each other. While this message is not “biblical” it is NOT anti-bible (against the bible). My goal here is to give you some practical things to help you make better choices. How then do we go about the process of choosing the right mate? Notice I said “choose” and not “find.” Choosing a mate is about making a decision about someone you have already met (or found). Here are 4 practical steps you can take in trying to choose the right mate.

The first thing to do is to make a list of the “must have” qualities of your potential mate. Write out on a piece of paper everything that your mate “must have” in order to be what you desire or need in a mate. These will be things that you just cannot do without in a mate. This list will vary from person to person. While a good sense of humor may be on my “must have” list, it may not be on yours. However, you must be sure to be as honest and realistic as possible. Be careful not to confuse your “must have” qualities with your “hope to have” qualities, which I will explain later. For example, your list may include things like “a supportive person, an optimistic person, a person with a good job, a person with kids, etc…” No one knows what those things are but you. Keep in mind that the more specific and detailed your list is, the better your chances are for choosing the best person for you.

Next, make a list of all of your “hope to have” qualities. In this list you will write down everything that you would like for your potential mate to have but not necessarily crucial. It may even be helpful to categorize this list from the most important to the least important. It may be common (but certainly not law) to put your physical requirements for your mate on this list. You may have put certain physical features on your “must have” list and then other physical features on your “hope to have” list. The point is that it is all up to you to create what you want on paper. Although it is your “wish list”, I urge you to be realistic. If you live in Houston making $25k, it is not likely that you will meet a superstar that lives in L.A. when you never travel anywhere.

The third thing is to make a list of all of what you “will not tolerate”. These are things that you just simply will NOT go for. This list could include someone who smokes or it could include being a liar. It’s all up to you. Just be honest and realistic. It is important that you write out everything on paper. I have found that we often times forget things that we don’t have a physical reference for and we run the risk of making familiar mistakes.

The fourth and probably most important thing to do before you decide to enter into a committed relationship with someone is date. You must (I can’t emphasized MUST enough) spend time with the person in order to get to know them. You can not be hasty in making your decision about a person, be it good or bad. It is extremely difficult to make a fair decision about a person after only a few interactions with each other in a limited amount of settings. Spending time is one of the most important things you must do when getting to know someone. Talking on the phone is not enough (even if it’s every day). Sending emails is not enough. You must physically spend time together. When you first meet people you don’t really meet them, you meet their representative (the person they want you to think they are). It is human nature for a person to project the best of who they are in the beginning. The only way to know the real person is by spending time with them. It should not take long to know if you want to get to know a person, but actually getting to know them for the purpose of being in a relationship does take time. There is no set time that you must adhere to. What may take one person 6 weeks to decide on may take another person 3 months.

One of the major flaws in relationships today is the mistake of moving too fast. Even when we choose our friends we tend to make quick judgments about them and who they are. It is even more evident when we try to choose a mate. The problem with looking for a “mate” instead of “a good friend that could grow into more” is that as a mate seeker we have different eyes and ears than when we are friend seekers. When you meet someone and you are “mate seeking”, what you tend to do is ask a lot of questions that you would like to know about your potential “mate”. The problem comes in when you get an unfavorable response from your friend about the kind of potential mate they might be and thereby eliminate them from the list of potential mates. What you don’t realize is that even though the answer to your particular question may have been an unfavorable one today, it could very well be something totally different by the time you enter a relationship with that person. Also, people often will say something that is contrary to what the actually practice. They sometimes give you the answer of how they think they would handle a situation or how they would like to handle a situation. The only real way to know is to spend time with them because actions speak louder than words. Everyone wants microwave relationships. Quality relationships take time to build. Choosing the right mate also takes time. Following these steps may not work 100% for everyone because there is no 100% guarantee when it comes to relationships. But if you apply what you have read I can assure you that your chances of choosing the right mate will be increased.

Ultimately, our lives are in God’s hands and He knows every one of our needs AND wants. It is God’s desire that every one who desires to have a companion has one. God is in the business of “hooking you up” with a mate JUST for you. But you have some things that you must do. This article makes certain assumptions. One of those assumptions is that you already have a prayer life so I did not list “praying” as one of the steps you needed to take. Praying is something you should do without ceasing. My passion is to help others understand the importance of having quality relationships and to develop the kind of romantic relationships that produce true love. Yes, true love does exist. However, it is not something that you can just conjure up. It takes time and hard work. Most people are not in a position to even be introduced to true love simply because they themselves are not whole. You should not be expecting God to send you someone if you are not right with Him (among other things). Before you become intimate with anyone else, you need to become intimate with God. If there are things in your life that you need to work on then do that while you are single. Otherwise, your frustrations will only build and you will not walk in the FULLNESS of what God has for you.

Copyrighted ©2001 (revised 2009)